Recap

Two busy months of college life have passed by since my last blogpost. The first year of my college life has ended. And I leave to join my twin brother in California for the summer. I thought this post would be a good opportunity to recollect all that I have learnt over the course of this semester.

Taking a computer science course this semester has really made me reconsider my direction of study. I am now intrigued by the field and have even changed my major as a result of this. Although I don’t consider myself to be a great programmer now, I still want to pursue this field because I want to train myself to think like a computer scientist. It’s a way of thinking I was too scared and naive to explore in high school. In fact, I sometimes regret not having programmed in high school, since I would then have had some exposure coming into college. I honestly feel that I am behind my colleagues who seem to have a headstart in this field. In fact, part of the reason I’m taking up classes over the summer at UC Berkeley is to catch up on fulfilling the course requirements of my newfound major. But as my friend says, “It’s not when you start, but what you do once you start, that matters.” I look forward to learning more concepts in my journey towards becoming a software engineer. This may seem weird, but having started using Linkedin, the career oriented social networking site, I am further attracted to the software industry because I find that job titles such as “Full Stack Developer” and “Software Developer/Architect” have a particularly sophisticated ring to them. But again, that’s just one of the many quirky reasons I wish to pursue this career path. I honestly hope it works out well.

Apart from what I learned in my classes, the past few months of college have also taught me a lot outside of the classroom. I understand that this is a very cliched statement but it is what it is. I am sure this happens to everyone as they go about living out their lives in college. In particular, I feel that the US college experience has made me a much more open person in more ways than one. I knew I would have a tough time adjusting to life in the States. But I had not anticipated the magnitude of the initial difficulty I eventually faced. I wouldn’t call myself a strict introvert; I just have a tough time talking to complete strangers. And this trait did nothing to help me during the first few weeks of college. I still remember the first night I stayed in my own dorm room. As the hot, humid Philadelphia night passed by, I literally cried myself to sleep. I can assure you that there’s not a hint of exaggeration in this description of my first few days in university. While I was aware that the homesickness (Dubai was about 11000 km away) would hit me hard, I realized that this was not the only thing I was worried about. I was scared because I didn’t think I would be able to make new friends. I remember this event during freshman orientation; most of the incoming freshmen were assembled in this large hall to encourage social interaction. I was intimidated, to be honest. I just couldn’t muster the courage to go up to my classmates and say hello. Standing in this room full of people, I felt alone and out of place; I felt like I was the only one who wasn’t speaking to anyone else. This may seem weird to someone who finds breaking into social groups easy, but for me, it was terrifying. It felt like a panic attack as I started having seemingly paranoid thoughts ranging from whether people would be able to understand my Indianized accent to how I could go beyond the introductory pleasantries in terms of conversation. Needless to say, it was a horrible start as I spent the majority of the orientation period holed up in my room, afraid of social interactions.

Things are much much better now. I have managed to make quite a few really close friends, while becoming slightly better (emphasis on “slightly”) at engaging in social interactions with completely new people. With regards to how I have changed, I have become more open towards different cultures and practices. Coming to the US on the back of a comparatively conservative childhood in the Emirates, I was initially surprised as a result of the culture shock. Honestly, as a kid, I learned to think that certain practices such as drinking alcohol and smoking were “bad habits”. I wrongly considered these practices to be the defining characteristics of those who practised them. This mindset of mine made me seem judgemental to those around me in my new environment in the States. I soon came to realize how narrow minded I was being and how this had made me seem abrasive towards others. I had misunderstood the practice of expressing one’s own opinions with that of imposing them on others. As I came to be more accommodating of others’ views and cultural tendencies, I realized how much I had missed out on. Personally, I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs. But I have come to realize that this is just my preference. It’s not a question of good or bad; it’s just a question of preference. People do the things they enjoy and I am definitely no one to judge them just based on their decision to smoke or drink. Realizing this has helped me behave more appropriately, in a manner which wouldn’t offend others. All in all, the time spent in college has made me a more receptive and “chill” guy. Also, some of the smartest and brightest friends I have made in college, party hard while still doing extremely well in other aspects such as academics and extracurriculars. Personally, I just don’t understand how they manage all of it!

Something else that has marked my second semester at Penn is the number of crushes I have had so far. My friends make fun of me in this regard; they think I’m finally entering that typical high school phase during which a boy finds girls attractive as he grapples to understand the onset of puberty. Maybe they speak the truth. I did not have many crushes in school. But coming to college has changed that situation radically. If I am correct, I have had a total of five crushes so far. Looking at that number, my friends tend to think that I’m just trying hard to find that “one girl” – the one who I’d like to spend the rest of my life with. Yes, the “one” is what I’m after. I have watched a great deal of films relating to the subject of love and relationships and I now think that they may have slightly misrepresented the whole phenomenon. I don’t understand what determines the whole process. Is it destiny? Does the concept of “love at first sight” exist only in the sphere of fictional cinema? How would one go about constructing a relationship? Is it something that just comes about as time passes? Or is it something you have to really work for; something not entirely tied to fate or destiny? These are questions I tried to answer as my pragmatic friends tried to talk some sense into this hopeless romantic’s head. I am still working on finding the “one”. Not much progress has been made so far, to be honest. In this regard, my elder brother really amazes me. In a year, he’ll be married to his high school sweetheart. While, I couldn’t be more happy for him, I really do wonder how he went about finding love. I ask him for advice regarding this and he usually tells me to just be myself and that things will eventually work out. With this hope, I continue to be “Mr. Nice Guy”, hoping that the love of my life will magically appear. Wow, that was cheesy. Indeed, this particular aspect of my college life is what my friends find most amusing.

I have also learnt quite a few things about social etiquette and have a few questions of my own regarding this matter. I have come to realize that Americans, and people in general, have a tendency to be nice to those around them. In fact, “How’s it going?” is the staple food item as far as conversations go. But this has confused me a great deal over the past months. When I see someone I know and say hello, a majority of my acquaintances reply with the same question, “How’s it going?” as they walk by. I am not entirely sure whether this a question which requires an actual answer like “It’s going good.” or whether it’s just a substitute for “Hello”. I apologise if you think this is an unnecessary or weird thought, but it’s one that’s stuck with me for a while. Also, there’s the question of actually “knowing” someone. There have been numerous instances during my college life in which I said hello to someone I thought I knew, after which they just left me hanging and ignored me; as if we hadn’t met before. Initially, I used to take this personally and assumed that the relevant person didn’t like me. But now I have come to understand that I’m just among the many people that they meet on a regular basis and there’s a high chance that they actually don’t remember me (Excuse the implied self importance), Taking all of this into account, I have restrained my practice of saying hello to everyone who seems remotely familiar to me. This has instead been replaced by prolonged periods of awkward eye contact.

Over the past five weeks, I also experienced what it feels like to live with a roommate. Due to some differences that they weren’t able to resolve, my neighbors, who had shared a room up till then, decided to change their living arrangements. I was one of the people they approached for a room exchange since I had been living in a single room. I got onboard since I was excited about what such an experience had to offer. I was on good terms with both the concerned parties (Yes, we signed a contract, however corny it seemed) and moved in with one of them while the other person took up my room. And boy, has it been an interesting few weeks. From late night runs to the grocery store to impromptu karaoke sessions, it has been a real blast to say the least. While it did help that both of us had pretty similar, albeit messed up, sleep schedules, I have still learnt to be more considerate of another person’s schedule, preferences and views. It was great to have someone to talk to about crushes and general college life in the middle of the night. As my roommate, George, embarks on a gap year to work on his startup ideas, I wish him the best of luck and hope to keep in touch.

The first year of my college experience ended yesterday. As I frantically packed and moved out of my room, I realized how much time had passed by so quickly. It’s hard to believe that just six more semesters and three summers remain before I can make myself ready for the real world. I have learnt a lot about people; which in turn has helped me move forward in life. I have made some really close friends. As a result, the past eight months have been filled with many joyous moments which I haven’t been able to capture with images (no regrets) interspersed with a few dark and sad moments. I have learnt to take these in my stride. I still find it extremely difficult to let go of past mistakes, but it’s something that I’m definitely working on. I came into college hoping to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and excel at it. I am still not entirely sure
what it is I want to do; I can’t pinpoint where I’ll be in the next five years and I only have a general idea which I’m working towards. I honestly envy those who seem to have figured it all out and are making waves. But they do inspire me as I hope to reach there someday. But as my friend says, “Nobody’s totally sure. Maybe, they’re just pretending. Or maybe they are the lucky, extraordinary ones. Be sincere, and you’ll achieve what you hope to achieve. Just make sure that you end up doing something you really love. Otherwise, it’s not worth it.”

Life is full of problems to be solved. Problems inadvertently raise concerns about the future. Will I actually be able to make it big in my career someday? Will I find true love? Will I be able to accomplish all the things in my mental bucket list? These are good things to worry about. They keep us awake while we travel through this journey called life. They remind us of what’s important, thus enabling us to make the most of life.

Depression

The following post was relayed to me by a reader who hoped to share this message:

There is one phrase I hate hearing beyond all others: how could you be depressed?

I was diagnosed with depression over a year ago now, but have battled its symptoms for virtually my entire life.  I can tell you what it feels like to watch the blood dip from your wrist and feel utterly no emotion or pain as it does so.  I can tell you what it feels like to hold a cool knife to your throat and have it tickle your stubble and flesh.  Yet I cannot clearly tell you why I am depressed or what it feels like to be depressed.  Today I am going to do my best to pull together some of the most thought provoking statements and analogies I have heard to convey these emotions and hopefully crack the immense stereotypes placed upon mental illness.

Before I begin to share some of these somber anecdotes and tales, I want to challenge the notion of depression and mental illness.  Depression is not sadness, depression is not feeling blue, and depression is not having a bad day, week, or any period of time.  Depression is a state and from my honest opinion it sucks.  One cannot merely adopt a better outlook on life and “create happiness” as so many have told me before.  Now of those of you reading a good majority will probably nod your heads in agreement, while a few will be hesitant.  However, from my experiences with friends, family, and most surprisingly doctors (emphasis on the plural there) meant to help treat my condition, presented me first with the condition of “How could you be depressed?” Usually these individuals commented on the privilege of my family life in relation to others, my high academic performance, good looks (merely quoting), acceptance to an Ivy League institution, etc.  The list seems to be pretty damn good, why on Earth would I be depressed, and so this is a question I can neither answer nor stand.  Imagine going up to your daughter, sister, mother, female friend or patient, or any female of that matter and asking her in a state of disbelief, “Why are you a woman?” While depression may or may not be fully genetic, I can assure all that one does not choose depression and one does not always have just cause for depression.  Depression just happens and you should pray it does not come to you or your loved ones.

To try and get a grasp of what this disabling situation is like there are two anecdotes, which have always served me well.  Imagine yourself walking on a mysterious island with your friends, it’s shaping up to be a great day, all your ducks are in a row, each corner has a new surprise, and just when things cannot get any better, you stumble upon what appears to be an abandoned gold mine.  Since you are eager to explore, you and your friends walk in and search for the next few hours.  Suddenly the tunnel collapses and you are separated from the group, trapped under debris with your friends in site but unable to do anything, speak to anyone, or even move.  This is depression.  Depression feels like your life is collapsing even if your situation might be in great shape and most importantly depression lends its victims with soul wrenching isolation.  This isolation leads me to a day just about a month ago when my mom was diagnosed with cancerous tumors and she called me up to tell me.  On the other end of the phone I sat on my bed and felt nothing.  The first thought, which came to, my mind was of a snow globe, with me sitting staring ambivalently at the world around me, feeling no connection and having no unity with those around me.  Depression is being able to say, “the sky is blue” and “my mom has cancer” with the same ease.

What I find the most odd about depression though is not the eerie symptoms but rather the stigma, which comes with the illness.  I relate telling your friends you have depression to coming out as homosexual, except the only difference is I wouldn’t get hundreds of likes on a status saying I have chronic depression.  Bipolar disorder and depression hold similar associations as PTSD, there is an understanding and acceptance of how crippling it can be, but you would not want to be around someone that has it.  The word “depressed” is spoken phonetically as “deep rest”, so don’t question those with depression and certainly don’t treat them abnormally, simply be there for them and continue to be a friend.  Friendship is the only way to combat this terrible disease.

Dilemma

I started this blog in November, hoping that it would be a way for me to express my thoughts and emotions. And until now, I have written blogposts when I have felt scared, frustrated and happy, in that particular order. Initially, it was my honest belief that this would be a great outlet for what I truly felt.

Maybe I am just being overly cynical, but it’s only now that I have realized how naïve I was to think like that. Yes, what I have written does correlate to what I think to some degree, but that’s really just part of the story. There are so many things I think about, such a wide array of issues I worry and contemplate about; but I am just too scared to express them on this blog because I fear what people might think of me. Now you may ask, why not just write in a personal diary instead of using a public web space. Well, that’s where the narcissism in me kicks in. (Before I proceed, here’s a note. This post will be the start of my attempt to express my true thoughts. It is going to be extremely tough for me to do this but hopefully, I’ll get better at it). In accordance with the honesty policy, I will now proceed to explain part of the reason why I started this blog.

I like attention. I enjoy when people come up to me and say, ‘Hey Visakh, you did a good job.’ A major reason why I started this blog, apart from really wanting to write about stuff that otherwise would have remained in my head (the ‘ideal’ reason), is that I wanted people to recognize me as this intellectual fellow who could really write about deep ‘stuff’. I wanted to be ‘the smart kid who had a successful and hip blog’. Yes, there’s a huge load of my back.

Now back to my original topic. What I wanted to convey through this post is how much I struggle to be ‘true to myself’. What do I mean by that? Well, I feel that if a person were completely true to themselves, then there would be no reason for that person to ever feel sad. I feel that, during so many instances in life, I have just convinced myself to be someone that I am not. There have been so many moments in my life, where I have just been thoroughly emotionally dissatisfied and not genuine. An example would be going to a party and leaving the party knowing that you could have talked to more people and been friendlier. Is that a weird example? Am I the only one who has felt this way? There have been numerous social events in my life where I have just been disappointed with the way I act because everyone else seems to truly enjoy themselves while I just restrain the way I behave because I am unsure of what others might think. Maybe, I may have lost you here. Sorry about that.

A question I keep asking myself is: Do I place other’s opinions about me above how I think and feel about myself? This may be a case of severe paranoia on my part, but I really just wanted to write about what was on my mind and hence just rambled on. Infact, right now, I have already started worrying about what those who read this post would think about me.

In this regard, I need help. If any of you who read this post have experienced similar social and emotional dilemmas, please comment. If you have ever felt out of place at some point in your life and found trouble doing the things you really wanted to do, please comment with suggestions in case you have managed to solve this puzzle. I am sorry if this post was hard to follow and I sincerely apologize if you still haven’t got what I am trying to say. As I said, it isn’t always easy to convert thoughts into words and sometimes it’s just excruciating when you aren’t able to exactly explain your thoughts. It’s as if it just gets ‘Lost in Translation’ (great film by the way).

What was the need for all these seemingly bizarre thoughts? Well, it’s the end of the year; it’s the time of the year when we all eagerly await the start of the New Year. We see it as a chance for a fresh start; a new beginning. There’s something auspicious connected with that chain of thought. But I think it’s also important to look back at the year. It’s essential to see where you were before and where you are now to see how far you have come. I honestly think that analyzing oneself can really help a person become more satisfied with how he’s interacting with other people and living his life in general.

Now, it’s okay if you disagree with what I have to say. Maybe, it’s just really paranoid to think like this. Maybe, this whole ‘all out honesty policy’ is just another way to project myself as this intellectual and novel writer. I don’t know; I am still figuring it out (hence the blog). Maybe the only reason I am sharing this post to Facebook is so that I get more traffic and more number of likes which I tend to sometimes correlate with popularity (Please don’t antagonize me). Okay, enough with this.

I would like to end with this wonderful quote which I thought correlated with the general theme of why people should continuously evaluate and try to understand who they really are (Finding oneself).

‘Maybe it’s true. Maybe we don’t know what we have until we have lost it. But, maybe it’s also true that we don’t know what we are missing until we find it’ – Winnie the Pooh

The moment

It’s thanksgiving break now. I don’t really have any plans but a good friend of mine from my high school is staying with me for the break. It’s been a great few days, sitting and talking about all the good memories from the last few years. And it’s during one of our engaging conversations that I got the idea for my next blog post (Please let me know if I am being too narcissistic).

Think about it. I went to the movies this weekend to watch a movie which I was really excited about. The movie didn’t turn out to be great but that’s not the point. The twenty minutes right before the start of the film was probably the most exciting part. And that’s not a bad thing. In fact, it’s been the case for every single film I have watched in a theatre. Despite the fact that those twenty minutes are usually filled with trailers of films which I don’t really care about, it’s the excitement that makes it so special. This may seem weird but waiting to watch a brilliant film is infinitely better than actually watching the actual film. How does that make sense when you haven’t even experienced the thing that you’re excited about? Well, this is where the concept of ‘the moment’ comes in. Let me put it this way. I find it a lot better to be in the past before the moment rather than being in the actual moment. Because when you are in the moment, there’s always that feeling that the moment is going to come to an end but right before it, you still have something to expect and look forward to. There’s a certain sadness I felt when I finished watching ‘The Shawshank Redemption’. I was sad because I knew that I would never get the opportunity to watch such a thought provoking film again without knowing what to expect. Maybe, this is something psychologists research about but it really gets to me. Every moment in our life is just this segment in the passage of time and if a person can have something to look forward to during every such segment, then that would definitely be the optimal experience. Yes, that’s it! That’s the secret. Always have something to look forward to. Always have an incentive. When I started college, some person came up to me during orientation and asked me this question ‘What makes you wake up every morning and do the things that you do?’ Well, I was stumped. My reply to that question is not important here, nor was the person very impressed by what I had to say. But it got me thinking long and hard about how a person should shape his life. I am by no means an expert, but I definitely feel that if a person has that one thing which makes them work and if they are willing to put in any amount of effort to achieve that, then that person would definitely be able to make the most out of life. I am still trying and thinking seriously about what I want to specifically achieve and hopefully I will finally be able to pinpoint what I want to do.

And this is where I will again quote ‘The Shawshank Redemption’. Towards the end of the movie, Andy Dufresne says one of the most powerful lines from the film. And no, it’s not ‘Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free.’

‘Remember Red. Hope is a good thing, probably the best of the things. And no good thing ever dies.’

Yes, that is about it. Give yourself the courage to hope for the best. I know people always say that life is best lived in the present and in the moment. But while enjoying the moment, always give yourself a reason to look ahead because that is what will keep you going. There will be many times when the moment may not be what we expect it to be. There will be times when you feel like nothing’s going right and you just want to curl up in bed and cry. But I have learnt that it’s best to just keep chugging along, trying to do the things that make you happy (Self Help Guru right here). Jokes apart, I will never know how good or bad you think your life is but I feel that this thought of mine would be good to share.

I am going to try to make every single moment count so that many years from now, I can hopefully look at the video of me and my high school friend dancing in my University Library (The study room was empty at the time) and say ‘Man, I did have a lot of fun’.

Finally, this brings to mind a special notebook. When I studied vocal music in middle school, I wrote notes in this very nondescript yellow notebook. The notebook cover had a picture of this singing bird sitting atop a nest on a cactus tree (Yes, quite descriptive for a nondescript book). But there was something written on that cover which I still remember to this day.

‘Always expect tomorrow to be a better day’

What’s with life?

This is something that I have thought about for a long time.
Here’s the thought: Is there a single phase in life during which a person is fully aware of what he’s doing and yet has nothing to worry about?
Think about it; we started out as babies with no real capability to think or act. This was followed by the phase of childhood which is probably the only time during which we got a realistic taste of harmony and freedom. But this experience was accompanied by institutions called schools which taught us to learn and acquire knowledge. Along with this came the inclination to worry about grades and how well we did in the classroom. This comparatively stress free period ended in about eight years and then came high school. I don’t think I need to emphasize the details about this phase of life. This is the time when we had to worry about ‘our future’ and college. I am definitely not denying the fact that the four years spent in high school were enjoyable, in fact they were the best. But there was always this notion; I always had this fear that this time would end and we would eventually be thrust into the real world. Despite all the fun, there was always this thought about our future and there was this worry about being able to get into college. And now, here I am, at the fourth phase of my very imperfect segmentation of life.
I know many people say college is the best phase of a person’s life, but this is also the phase which comes with the most responsibilty and worries. GPA, internships and landing a great job are the primary worries that accompany us during this period. Yes, there’s a great deal of fun to be had during college. But, in the end what seems to count is where you end up in terms of your career. Yes, I too worry about grades and similar matters but so does every student who attends university. And we all do this in preparation for the next phase of life: work.
In this context, it is difficult for me to understand the whole purpose of human existence at times. We arrive, we live for about eighty years and then depart. It’s as if every single phase of life is just a preparation for the next stage but eventually there’s nothing there at the end. All the worries and problems we overcome seem to account to nothing at the end. ‘I worked this hard for nothing?’

This is where I began to think about a parallel universe; where life is just this period of existence where people live their own lives, do what they have to make themselves happy. In all honesty, it is difficult for me to think of such a life. How would it feel like to live each day without having to worry about what happens next? Would it be the very definition of the phrase ‘Live like there’s no tomorrow’? How would we go about our lives if we knew that everyday was a new beginning? In my opinion, knowing that my future won’t be affected by what I do today would give me the freedom to do all things that I wish to do. Wait, why would I still worry about the future? Good heavens, this life has made me incapable not to worry about anything!

Again, this is just the naive opinion of a boy who has had a mere eighteen years of existence. Maybe, I am just thinking too much. Possibly, such a carefree world would not have given the human civilization the incentive to develop, innovate and progress. But, once again, questions concerning why we even need development start to arise in my mind.

Okay, I have to stop typing now since I need to worry about another assignment that’s due monday.

It’s okay to be socially awkward

I had to google the definition of the term “socially awkward” to make sure that the adjective I generally associate myself with was indeed apt. And yes, it is. To me, a socially awkward person is not someone who can’t speak to anyone. Many people assume that such people end up with fewer ‘good friends’ than others because of their blatant inability to communicate with ease. But that is not the case, according to me. Yes, I have a difficulty communicating with people I have just met. But that hasn’t prevented me from building quite a few great friendships along the way. Initially, I would feel weird and would wonder what people would think of me. But then I realized that what others think of me wouldn’t really affect me in any way. (The topic of being judgmental shall be covered later)
The point I am trying to make here is that there’s a place for everyone in this world. Okay, it sounds like I have carried it on a bit too far and generalized it, but that’s the very essence of what I am trying to convey here. You don’t need to change who you really are just to get accepted by other people. Now, don’t mistake this for a reference to the clichéd “popular school kids bullying the nerdy kids” situation. This is different. How? Well, what I am trying to say is that we shouldn’t think too much into what we are unable to do (in this case, communication). Instead, we should be true to ourselves and behave naturally (be our “true selves”).  I am not saying that it’s wrong to try talking to people whom you have just met. If that’s what you’re doing, then well and good. But if doing that makes you uncomfortable (and you start getting paranoid about “what the person may think about you”), then just stop it. Don’t try being someone you are not, especially if that makes you feel even more uneasy. The people around us aren’t bullies or judgmental people as you may think they are. They are just ordinary people trying to go about their lives. It’s not their job to look into how others are behaving. Just know that and accept who you are. Okay, I just went overboard again but again that’s ‘kind of my thing’. You don’t need to be the cool kid to enjoy your life. I have spent a great deal of time wondering as to how I could overcome this “condition”. Only later did I realize how incredibly stupid I had been. Being the way I am hasn’t affected me one bit. I have a healthy number of friends and I also happen to be pretty good at public speaking. Yes, the irony is pretty evident but I don’t wish to elaborate.
So that’s it then. How’s that for a first lesson? I know I have rambled randomly but hopefully I will get better at this. As for the topic of this post, I felt that there were many unique people who could relate to what I felt. As for those who are not familiar with being socially awkward, I guess you will never know what it’s like to not be able to talk to someone you actually want to talk to. It’s complicated but I hope you can understand. Okay, I have started rambling again. Its 2 am and I better be off to sleep.

Introduction

This is my attempt to recount all the important “stuff” I have learnt in the past 18 years.     Enough with the introduction; it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. I honestly cannot think of anything appropriate to describe what I shall be writing about in this recollection of mine. So let’s get to it, shall we?